If Devin could describe how he feels right now, he would say his emotions are a boat sailing adrift, without clear course but wanting to arrive somewhere. But he is not a ship despite the feeling of sinking in the open sea.
He still can not reconcile the fact that he is now a father, well he always was one but he wasn't aware of the fact thank to Zoe. Indescribable rage seizes him when he thinks of her, but as always it's a fleeting feeling, something temporary. Devin knows that it's not just Zoe's fault, he was to blame too. And the circumstances. They were never in favor of two of them.
His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of his phone.
Caroline again. It will be better to avoid her for now, his fiancee is a can of worm that at the moment he doesn't feel like opening. The fallout of that conversation will going to be huge, knowing how self-centered and conceited she is. He's not sure if their relationship will survive, they've been having a rocky time for a while now and this isn't some of their indriscretions that they usually turn a blind eye on. The thought leaves him oddly relieved.
Devin looked at the time, Zoe and the children should be arriving any moment now.
It's a strange feeling to see Zoe with a child in her arms and not being able to avoid imagining his children in that position, held by their mother. Those kinds of things that he's never going to have the chance to experience leave him bitter.
Zoe avoids his eyes and he wants to be angry with her but the children with anxious faces distract him.
The smile that he gives them is genuine, and there's a strange feeling seeping into him as he gazes them. Ramira has Devin's mother eyes and Franco is the perfect blend of genetics.
They're beatiful, is the main thing in his thougts and a powerful desire to embrace them takes hold of him.
But he restrains himself. Not yet.
The twins are bubbly, they talk over each other and often finish the other's words. Ramira is the most extroverted of the two and Franco seems to be her grounding. They complement each other perfectly.
It's Franco's completely innocent comment of "Bellandra looks a lot like you" what brings forward the thought that he'd wanted to avoid the most, his eldest isn't here. She doesn't want to meet him.
"Yet." Had said Zoe on the phone the evening they arranged this visit. Devin fervently wishes it to be a yet but he has his doubts (and fears).
He invites them to enter his home, he already has a light lunch prepared.
It's the most awkward meal he has had in a long time and he works in the film industry. The twins make the effort and the atmosphere starts to relax.
The rest of the visit was listening to one anecdote after another, his children are full of life and they seem happy. They aren't afraid to ask about what they want to know or express their opinions. And it's thanks to Zoe he admit it. She seems to be in her element, motherhood suits her.
He cannot help but look at her. Some of his anger lessens but he knows he isn't ready to forgive her yet. Someday, he thinks.
At the end of the day he accompanies them to the exit.
Ramira takes his hand immediately and he can not help but smile, a warm feeling spreanding through him. But even better is feeling her little arms around him when she says goodbye.
Standing at the entrance, he thinks that the apartment seems more empty than ever. He runs his eyes through the corners looking for traces of them. Looking for things that aren't there, of the person who was not here today.
He imagines what could have been and think that maybe, just maybe, one day his wishes can be a reality.